The Pain of Pretending
The most agonizing moments of my life have all been, in some way, about not being real. Pretending. Pretending to be satisfied when I wasn’t. Pretending I wasn’t hurt. Pretending I could fill the hole with things. Pretending not to see red flags. Pretending someone wasn’t there. Pretending they were. Pretending not to be an alcoholic. Pretending it didn’t matter. Pretending to be sober when I wasn’t. Pretending I was only hurting myself. Pretending to love someone when I didn’t.
All of these instances of compromising myself, whatever the motives, led to the same dark place. And, there I was — pretending not to hate myself.
Imagine buying a pair of shoes because they provide good arch support. They hurt like hell and you don’t like how they look. Would you were them every day? Would you wear them for a decade, or even a lifetime?
So many of us live our lives this way. Jobs. Friendships. Marriages. We succumb to the fear of fallen arches. We pretend the shoes are great. Then we distract ourselves from the existential misery with the busyness of nursing the blisters on our heels and toes. Every. Single. Day. We pretend it’s the terrain. But, we’re wearing the wrong shoes.
Ask yourself why? Why this job? Why this person? Why this situation? Don’t spend your entire life wearing the wrong shoes; pretending your feet don’t hurt.
